surviving a broken heart
Oh, hello everyone. So it's been a while since my last post and I sincerely apologize. As most of you know I had a pretty rough start to the new year. My entire world and life that I had built came crumbling down all within a matter of seconds. No one person, material thing, or Taylor Swift song can prepare you for a broken heart. However, it's been slightly over a month since my world imploded and during this past month I have met so many friends and clients who are going through a very similar situation. It seems 2018 has started off with heart breaks and drama, and I am here today to share in this post my experience through the depths of hell and how you too can survive it. One thing that a broken heart craves the most is empathy and knowing that you are not alone. So let's go there together, feel the burn of the pain and then rise from the ashes a brand new human being!
The Moment It Happens
You're there, barely breathing, your heart races and then like a bolt of lighting to the chest it hits you; the moment you know it's over and your heart breaks into a million tiny little pieces. Standing across from you is the person you care for the most in this world and have given every ounce of your human soul to. He no longer feels the same and doesn't want to be a part of your life. Three years in the making and loving this person until there's nothing left to give, and he's finished. That's it no questions asked. Your head is spinning and you're losing control, yet somehow you pull it together for a few brief seconds to start breaking down the home you built and pack up your stuff. Stuff that by the way is shit and will never fill the void that is left behind after he is gone. You're giving what's left of you to hold back the tears, but they are coming anyway. You hear your voice as you sob, "you can push through this be strong", but as you take down the frames and pull out the photos all those memories flood through like a tidal wave, drowning your voice that will take weeks to hear again. It's a blur when you open your eyes just as you're swimming under water. It takes minutes for them to clear and when they do you see your world as it now is, empty.
The emptiness fills your soul that was once full of love, and you run to anyone who will hold you. Your friends wrap you in their embrace and tell you that everything will be ok, but all you want to do is die. You cry and scream until there's nothing left but to take a pill and fall fast asleep. Sleep is your only escape, at least that's what you think, but even in dreams the pain finds you and holds you hostage. You wake and it's New Years Day, a day that's meant for happy new beginnings, but your world has just ended. Your voice that is now just a faint whisper, says "I have to survive, but how do I survive this?" By the grace of God there's a sliver of hope that gives you energy to face the day and the life you are about to have without him.
The Day After Tomorrow
The initial storm has passed, but the damage left behind is catastrophic. You survey the damage and lighting strikes again. You're back on the floor, crouched in the fetal position, screaming for it to be over. The pain is relentless and spreads through your veins like wild fire through the forest. There's nothing that can stop its fury and you pass out from the flames. You come to and hours have passed the day away. You're thankful that time gave you a second of reprieve. You walk through your new apartment, dodging unopened boxes, you hear faint rumblings that is your stomach and realize you haven't eaten for days. The feelings of hunger have been dulled by the throbbing pain that's in your heart. You make a glass of your favorite chocolate milk in hopes it will satisfy the hunger, but it makes you sick. What once was one of the little joys that made you happy, now is poison. You cannot keep anything down and you slowly start to waste away. "You can't die," says your voice, "you have to keep going." You then turn to music, who has been your saving grace in the past. Listening to "Our Window" by Noah and The Whale, staring out your own new window at four in the morning, you know that it's over. As the stars shine through your window their light makes its way to your soul, for a large part of it belongs to the universe and reminds you that soon you will be whole.
It's Time to Suck It Up Buttercup
In three days you've survived the initial blow and moved your entire exsistence into a new apartment. But guess what, there's no rest for the wicked and pain clings to you like an alien parasite. It's now time to face the world and go back to work like nothing ever happened. For society expects us to be on point twenty four seven without missing a single beat. So you put on your happy face and do the song and dance to the rythmn of everyone's expectations. Your greatest fear is disappointing someone, and because you've disappointed the one person you loved with all your heart, you cannot and absolutely will not disappoint your clients. In his eyes you are a failure, someone not worthy of being loved, and you desperately seek the approval of those who see you as an inspiration. That fear fuels you to move forward through the next four days, focusing on not being another disappointment. It's a blessing in disguise because it keeps you distracted from what's about to happen when you're back in your empty apartment all alone.
The following nights are lonely and the days are ever so sad, because everything you love has gone away. You look into the mirror at this sad disappointment you've become, nothing but shameful misery. So you run for a chance at freedom from the pain into the arms of a stranger, all the while still feeling the very same. He gives you a taste of desire as you kiss his soft lips, offering temporary ecstasy that soon fades away to regret. How could you be so naive to think he would even begin to fill the void inside. But, you will do anything to feel desired again, anything to be "loved" again. So the cycle continues for weeks and you haven't moved even an inch forward, until the day the one you love reminds you again of the failure you are to him.
He's Beating a Dead Horse. But It's What This Dead Horse Needed
Guess what, you're surviving no thanks to yourself. Your doggies, friends, family and clients are breathing life into your dead lungs and literally picking up your heart that has been shred into a million tiny little pieces and putting it back together again. You realize that they are your biggest fans and they are counting on you to survive. How could you be so selfish to even think about giving up when the universe provides you with so much support and love. Even if it's not the love you crave from the one you gave your heart to, it's love and it's a fucking shit ton of genuine love that heals the deepest of wounds. You begin to talk about how you are feeling and you analyze together what those feelings mean. They bring the rainbow to your pain that you could never see because of all the lingering storm clouds. With this new found clarity, a breath of fresh air enters your lungs and you can begin to live again.
Now that you've started to live again and you experience little bits of happiness, your confidence builds and it prepares you for what is about to happen next. For the first time you are enjoying a night alone in your new apartment with both of your sweet doggies, feeling like there are so many opportunities on the horizon, and he texts you to come over. You, still clinging onto the faint possibility he might realize he's made a mistake and wants you back, say yes to him coming over. As soon he arrives you see that he is drunk. Oh no, this is how it all started the weekend of New Years. Flashbacks to the worst moment of your life, yet you give him a chance to be nice and boy does he blow it. He immediately starts in on you and how you are a failure and ruined his life, and there's not a chance in hell you'll ever be together again. Suddenly you're back to tears and the pain boils as it courses through your veins. However, this time it is met with anger. That anger turns into respect for yourself and your happiness and you ask him to leave. That moment is the crucial turning point that you needed all along. You realize he is in fact the one who is unhappy and he's trying to bring you down with him. Misery loves company after all.
Blue Skies Are Coming
It feels like the first days of spring after the end of a blast of cold air and winter weather. Light begins to shine into the night with the sun setting later every day. You know that spring is just around the corner and blue skies are not far behind. This gives you hope and wraps your soul with a warmth you haven't felt in a while. You start to do the things you once loved doing before him like going to the movies, experiencing live music and walking on the beach. All things that gave your heart rhythm and meaning that he took away. You feel like the girl you longed to be again; happy, free and adventurous. Doors start to open and opportunities pour in through the flood gates that once released your tears. Now they release all your hopes and dreams into a future worth having. You have survived a broken heart and it has made you stronger. Just another war wound to talk about over drinks someday and how it eventually led you to finding the love you've always deserved. The go all in, give it all you got, never give up kind of love that makes you crazy with happiness and desire. It does exist and I don't know about you but I plan on finding it!